The Tease....

I started to feel it deep in my stomach. It started as a small twisting feeling. An icy, cold stomach ache, like all the acids in my belly quickly froze and burned at the same time. The feeling crept up towards my lungs, and I could feel each breath get shorter and shorter. I could feel my heart pounding like a door knocker against my rib cage. All my muscles started to tense up. I tried and tried and tried to stay calm.

I could hear the news programing through my earpiece (AKA my IFB). I don't remember exactly what they were talking about, and I don't remember exactly what I was supposed to talk about, but I still remember exactly how my nerves were completely unraveling. This was live television. I was out in the thick of it, doing exactly what I wanted to do, ready to talk to the camera in front of any given crime scene and bring the power of what I was witnessing home to the audience. I had done it few times before, but I was no where near calling myself experienced. I was in a new state, with a new boss, at a new television station, with new responsibilities and new expectations. I could feel the sweat drip down the back of my poorly ironed, shapeless dress shirt.

I didn't have much to say, not enough for the time to fill, and that twisted my stomach into a full saltwater taffy twist. I looked at the photographer stationed behind the safety of about a thousand watts of manufactured sunshine, watched the cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, then glanced down at the lack of bullet points scrawled across my slim reporter's notepad.

That's when I heard the TV news anchor, stationed in the cool, quiet safety of the studio say my name...

I crashed... I burned... but it wasn't bad enough for them to fire me on the spot. I still get those feelings occasionally, never to the same extent, even when I started my new freelance job, but when I do I've learned how to use it.